Public Service Rant

I am forced to respect that it is every parent's right to name their children whatever they want.

That said, some baby names are SO frackin' embarrassing that they should automatically land the parents on a secret register for surveillance by Social Services, because clearly these people think they're playing Barbie or rolling up a D&D character, and not raising, say, a human being.

A dear, dear friend, who normally has VERY FINE TASTE, told me that she and her husband had thought up the most gorgeous name for their prospective baby boy. "It's YORK," she told me breathlessly, while I thanked Zeus I was on the phone and not looking right at her.

When considering names for your offspring, please start over if your leading candidate meets any of the following conditions:

It's a geographic location. It doesn't even work for the Beckhams, and they're rich.

It's derived from fantasy or sci-fi. To name your kid Han, Eowyn, or Raistlin is to turn him or her into a joke for life. If he doesn't happen to grow up brash, graceful, or clever, it's even worse.

The name is actually a thing (Lake, Apple, Dream, Tailor).

The name is extremely, undeniably ethnic, and you and your spouse clearly do not belong to that nationality.

The name is now the domain of porn stars and strippers. I like "Brandi" too, but come on.

The proposed middle name is actually a maternal surname, chosen to appease the family. Boring and unfair. This kid loses all Middle Name contests from now on, and might as well not have one, and never gets to hear anyone say, "Oh, that's so nice!" And P.S., no girl wants the middle name "Thompson."

It's a boy's name you turned into a girl's name.

It's the brand name of a designer, car, or cosmetic.

You made it up yourself. Bonus points if you made it up yourself by combining syllables from other names. "Her grandmothers are Francesa and Angelina, so we came up with Franchellina!"

Please do not post and say you know someone who did that and the name is very nice and also the kid went to Harvard, because I am so not listening.